Berkleigh was diagnosed with Stage IV Neuroblastoma on September 15, 2014. It’s been one long year. In that time, we have done six rounds of chemotherapy, a bone marrow transplant, 5 or 6 surgeries, countless biopsies, scans and radiation.
We finished our last antibody treatment on Friday. We even had a party.
Having just walked through the Red Sea, I am overcome with emotions.
And all these thoughts are jumbled up and drenched in prayer, tears and stale coffee. Forgive me, if I ramble.
I used to read about the exodus from Egypt…and think “those Israelites! They saw God’s miracles. They walked on dry land through giant walls of water…get to the other side and doubt God? Seriously?”
I am eating those words…because this morning at 4 am, Berkleigh spiked a fever and we are right back where we started in the ER. Admitted. Again.
While I know that God is healing my daughter, I have caught myself more times than I care to admit within the last month doubting our financial recovery, complaining about this time in the desert and the manna that He is providing.
I am an Isaelite! Good grief!
I wonder how long I will be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wonder how long “my leg hurts” or a high fever will punch me in the stomach and take my breath away.
So when I feel like I can’t possibly take anymore, I remember the key to JOY:
I look to Jesus…J
I look to Others….O
Then I consider Yours truly…Y
One of the hardest things about cancer is managing this sequence. Keeping Jesus first isn’t hard. We have nothing but time to pray and so much to say.
Serving others becomes the biggest challenge. Loving, wonderful people have a tendency to put “cancer moms” first. It is a huge blessing. But it always keeps us in the position of being served. And sometimes holds us hostage to the emotions that come with being a cancer mom.
Honestly, we are unreliable. We have a ton on our plate. But, allowing us to hold your baby at a birthday party, or do the dishes, helps us to have a glimpse of just being another mom. Being ourselves.
And any distraction from dwelling in this moment and focusing on ourselves brings us closer to joy.
When your child has cancer, it is easy to get caught up in “to do” lists, trying to keep things normal for brothers and sisters, and just finishing the treatments at hand. It is easy to worry. It is easy to give into fear.
I am so blessed to have the Word to redirect me. I am humbly admitting it to you. I know with all my being that the God, who has healed my baby, CARES about all the schedule adjustments, the mini medical issues, financial concerns, relationships, siblings and anything else that would creep in and steal my peace.
I am committing to rest and enjoy this season of manna in the desert – because there are miracles here too. And being with God in the desert is amazing in comparison to life in a “perfect world” without Him.
I want to be in the presence of the living God, content and humble.
Kneeling next to her bed this morning, I am choosing thankfulness – God, you are so good!
I am choosing faith…just living it.
I am choosing peace…resting in the arms of a loving God who has shown me faithfulness in abundance.
Kyler, my 14 year old, once explained to Taryn, who is six, that God is a healer. And he WOULD heal Berkleigh. He could do that through the doctors, through a miracle, or by taking her to heaven. Our job was to be courageous and be “ok” with however God chose to do that.
I can’t put my own limitations on a limitless, all-powerful God. God covers all of this. Completely.
Guest post written by:
Stacie Slaughter Griggs